I have never, ever, ever felt pain like this before. I've never had someone I love die. And when I did think about who would be the one in my life that would pass...I always thought of it being a grandparent...or a great aunt or something. Not Micah. Not my baby brother. He's 18 and life was just starting for him...he just graduated...just got his first car...his first job...didn't even get to college yet. Yet now he's gone. The hole in my heart feels so gaping and bloody right now.
Early this Friday morning...around 3am...my mom calls me hysterical, screaming something about Micah being missing and a boat and all sorts of things that swirled around in my brain not making any sense. After several phone calls back to my family's house, I got it out of her that Micah was out at a party...that him and a bunch of guys went out in a boat in the middle of a lake right near our house...too many of them were in there...the boat overturned or started sinking and the boys all fought to get to land. All were accounted for except one...Micah. I remained calm as Alex drove top speed back to White Bear...thinking that it must not be that big of a deal...my mom over-worries a lot and that Micah is probably just lost in the woods or at a friend's.
When I arrived at the scene it was my worst fucking nightmare. Not what I expected at all. Tons of cop cars...ambulances...and a fire truck even...were surrounding the boat launch near our house and near where the accident happened. Several search boats scoured the lake...I saw the gasoline can from Micah's boat floating in the water. Bobbing up and down. I felt sick but remained calm. "Micah has been an avid fisherman since I can remember...he knows how to deal with water...he'll be OK...." I yelled at a couple of Micah's friend that they better think twice now when they go out and party...that they just graduated...that there's still so much time for that...why spend your whole teenage years drinking and being stupid. I remember my dad calling one of Micah's friends...Matt (was on the boat with Micah that night)...he was already at home after the accident, and was being a pain in the ass and said that he wasn't going to come out for questioning because there's nothing he can do about the situation. I was so pissed...I called that fucker right back and told him that my brother could be dead...and that if he was a friend he would come out here and help because he was there, he was with Micah...maybe he could give us some idea what happened. Luckily he listened to me.
It was freezing and I ran back to Alex's car to blast some heat on myself. I heard/saw a helicopter begin to circle around the lake...spotlighting every possible place. I then saw just how gross the lake was...thick with milfoil and weeds. Chains to a watery grave.
Suddenly the 'copter stopped circling. Many vehicles began to leave the scene. I ran out to my dad, who had been waiting at the boat launch from the very beginning. I hoped to see him alive...even if he was on a stretcher hooked up a million machines, or recieving CPR...at least he still had life flowing through him. My dad gave me the most sorrowful look I have ever seen in my entire life "He's gone, Ashlee...he didn't make it" he said in a shaky voice...I'm sure he was holding back wails of agony. I just went numb then...I must've cried "Oh god, oh my god" about a million times...I was at a loss for words. I cried out Micah's name. I just couldn't fucking believe this was happening. That it happened so suddenly. My brother, the jokster, the sarcastic guy with the devil-may-care attitude, the skater, the boxer, the friend, the brother, the son, the mysterious person...he was dead when they found him.
I got to sit in the ambulance with him. I've never seen a dead body before. The tons of movies I've loved watching with the violence and drama...the countless episodes of "Law and Order: SVU"...could never do justice to what it's like to actually see someone you love right in front of you, dead and cold and stiff. I stroked his hair, and hugged him, and kissed his cheek and forehead. I told him how much I loved him...that I know we weren't always the best of friends but that I cared so much about him just the same. His pants were partially coming off...as if he tried to get out of them when he was in the water. I hope they didn't weigh him down. I hope he didn't struggle...I hope it happened quick and he didn't have time to get too scared. I know his friends had been drinking...so in some fucked up way I hoped that he had been drunk too, and too numb to feel the pain.
OK this entry is getting way too depressing...the tears are starting to fall. I feel so numb but occasionally I'll just cry out in pain. He was so young. I love him so much. I worry about my mom a lot...she is not taking this well at all. She was in the hospital for a few hours because she had such horrible anxiety and kept puking. We finally brought her home this morning. All my neighbors came over...they were all crying...it was horrible. I got a few phone calls early in the morning from some of my mom's friends...they knew about the incident but didn't know about the horrible conclusion. I had to tell them and they all started crying when I did. So much sadness. So much misery. Alex is here and I'm going to cuddle up to him and try to nap because I haven't slept in a long ass time.